First and foremost, these post take a filtered subset of HTML for formatting. The amount of learning needed to learn them is pretty well identical to the amount of time I spent learning BBCode originally. Second, have you read the FLOSS Manual? Go to Help>Manual to do so. Or third have you asked on IRC when you have had a problem? Again in the Help menu, see the Chat item. Since that is out of the way…
There isn’t much that can be said from your post. It is clearly obvious something basic is going wrong, but you are throwing out so much that it is useless trying to guess what. Why don’t we focus on one problem at a time instead and figure out what is going on with that problem.
The interface in A2 is not the most conceptually pleasing way to set up things, but there are methods to every madness out there. That being said significant reworkings of some things in Ardour has been done for A3 so that it is closer to what you would expect on a larger format recording console for the most part. Closer, not completely there, but MUCH closer.
Now to break it down into individual problems/issues that are possibly explained enough to help…
I can sometimes see the input signal in vu meters for each input track,
and sometimes I can see it in the master track (for instance when recording sometimes).
I know the signal is there, because I can patch it directly to System Outputs anytime.
I know its there at the track inputs even when the vu meters don’t show it, because I can use Meterbridge to look at the signal.
Most likely cause? You have the metering point set incorrectly for whatever you are trying to do.
http://en.flossmanuals.net/ardour/ch037_using-the-mixer-strip/
See on that linked page about halfway down where it talks about setting the metering point and the possible options.
I have made connectons from each track output to the master inputs.
Yet there is no button or combination of same to make the master vu meter light up and monitor sound,
nor can I get the sound to play through into the System Output (my external monitor amp and speakers).
I know the monitors are working, again because I can patch directly to them from System inputs or Hydrogen and hear drums or guitar.
Very difficult to tell considering the lack of information on what specifically you are trying to do, are you trying to monitor incoming signal for instance, or monitor signal already recorded onto tracks you are playing back?
However I will assume the former for the moment and direct you to this page in the FLOSS Manual I mentioned...
http://en.flossmanuals.net/ardour/ch023_recording-audio/
Specifically the section on arming the track. What they do not explain there is HOW to tell Ardour otherwise, or to return to the state of Ardour handling Monitoring, which is located in the Options Menu under Monitoring. In this case you want to ensure that Ardour Does Monitoring is the enabled option. Ardour was designed with professional audio interfaces in mind, where in most cases for monitoring incoming signal you would use the mixing capabilities of that interface, not Ardour itself, however you can have Ardour handle monitoring should you choose by ensuring that the above option is checked and following the steps in the above link to arm a track so that the input is monitored.
I can't even manage to turn a metronome on/off, or rather off, or even adjust its volume.
There is a big button on the top right of the transport clocks labeled 'click'. This turns the metronome on and off. Not sure how much more simple this could be.
Clicking somewhere on the menu of buttons along the top (transport buttons),
made the whole bar vanish like Firefox toolbar, only there is no option in the "View" menu to turn it back on again.
Later I found it on another screen: it had detached itself completely from the window and put itself somewhere invisible. WHY?
These are detachable toolbars. This is an intentional choice and a fairly common one amongst many sorts of programs, audio or not. As for where it went, that is something you should check with your window manager, as in every install I have dealt with by default it comes up on the same screen literally in the same area as the Ardour editor from which it came. The only times it wasn't completely obvious what happened to it was on Linux when the window manager I was using put it below the editor window instead of above, this comes down to Window Manager behavior, not Ardour. Of course you don't really say what OS you are on, but I assume Linux for the time being.
I press the rewind button, but the red vertical line refuses to return to the beginning of the recording (presumabley 00.00).
Nothing works like a tape recorder should.
Well it sounds like one of many things here. First, the intended behavior, is that by default it will return to the location of the START marker, which by default is at 00:00:00.00 However if you have moved it it should go to whereever the START marker is. The most common reason why this may not happen is if you have Ardour chasing an external timecode, where Ardour is not the TC Master. In this case Ardour should not and does not change position unless told to by the TC master. The area highlighted '6' in this image will show you were to adjust this setting...
http://ardour.org/files/reference/dsy22-ARDOUR.html#dsy143-ARDOUR
By default the TC is set to INTERNAL which is what most users want. However if you are using a program such as Hydrogen, assuming it can lock to Jack TC, which I believe it can, you may have set it to Jack which will likely cause the behavior you have mentioned. By the way that link is a link to the Reference Manual, which while still technically a WIP is also located in the Help menu under Reference if you ever want to get back to it.
I press "solo" but don't get solo tracks.
Not nearly enough information here to even begin to start assessing what may be wrong. You press solo where? On a track, a bus, the SOLO indicator(Which is actually a RUDE SOLO indicator and behaves like you would expect on a console) to the right of the transport clock? and what happens vs what do you expect happens?
I turn up all the faders and can't get squat into the master track.
From the symptoms this has to be some misunderstanding or user error,
but all the menus are like Egyptian hieroglyphs.
Ok you turn up all the faders, is transport running? Are you listening to material already existing on tracks? Or are you trying to monitor incoming material? Again details are needed in order to help you.
For a while I couldn't even get Ardour to start up, because I couldn't load an already started project.
What a frustratingly long session of pain.
Tells us nothing and may not have had anything to do with Ardour for all we know at this time. A console log at the minimum is necessary to troubleshoot this. The most common reasons this happens have little to do with Ardour other than they stop Ardour from opening.(Example something elseis using your audio card and Ardour can't open the device, or you have a plugin that scanning it crashes Ardour, or you have a corrupted file in one of the many libraries Ardour uses).
I'm sure some of these problems would vanish with somebody over my shoulder
just going "Hey press xxx on menu yyy to do that."
You bet it would. Of course so do all the problems my students have with ProTools or other DAWs when I stand over their shoulder and point out how to use them.
Now all of this post aside. It is best to ask most of this on IRC as I mentioned above. Especially during the Daytime EST it tends to be fairly active, and if you ask your question and just keep the window open, as people can they will answer, sometimes this can take minutes, sometimes hours, depending on who is around(Which in general depends on the time of day). It wouldn't be difficult to walk you through most of your problems on IRC for the most part.
Learning ANY DAW is a chore. This holds true no matter what DAW you are dealing with, and as someone that has to teach my students how to use them I can attest to this. Some of them come in with experience in say Sonar, but can't touch PT without basic guidance on how it works. An effort has been made to make the interface intuitive to those that have worked professionally in audio, specifically recording, but there is obviously room for improvement. That being said I personally don't believe it is anywhere near as bad as you imply, speaking as someone with more than a few years working professionally as an engineer myself(Not quite 30 though). The menu items themselves I think are fairly self explanatory for the most part, their order however is not always great IMO for example. And maybe that is what you were actually referring to with the hieroglyphics comment, not sure.
Seablade